How to have a collaborative conversation about an issue
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A common struggle in leadership is the tension between being a strong leader who is directive and decisive and being a collaborative leader.
Often, my clients believe that they need to pick a mode. They’ll ask “Is this a situation to be strong and firm, or to be collaborative?”.
It is an either/or, vs. a both/and.
Leaders worry that if they pick the “boss” mode they will demotivate their employees.
They also worry that if they pick the collaborative mode, they will lose their status as leaders. Or, that decisions will never be made because “we will talk about things forever”.
In this post, I’m going to teach you a 5 step process that you can use to have both goals: you maintain your strength as a leader, and you are collaborative.
If you do your best to follow this process:
You’ll build trust with your people.
Your team members will be more loyal to you.
They’ll feel less inhibited from bringing you challenging issues that might otherwise go unspoken and cause damage to your team.
you’ll also be teaching your team to be more and more thoughtful about how they bring issues to you. The result will be the process of discussing and resolving issues will become more effective and efficient.
This post focuses on the scenario where you are the leader or manager and your team member is bringing to you an issue. However, this process can be used with any relationship (your boss, your spouse, your business partner, your child, your friend)!
To get started, rule #1 is: Whenever another person brings you an issue or says something like “I’m worried about”, or “I’m concerned…”, or “I think we may have an issue”, stop what you are doing, give them your attention, and follow this process.
Disclaimer: There are many layers of nuance to this process that are beyond the scope of this article. In order for it to be effective, one must carry an open energy. More about that later.
Step 0 - Stop to give your attention.
In case you didn’t catch this from the prior paragraph, I’m calling this out as step 0. It wasn’t an official ‘step’, but it may indeed be the most important thing. If someone hints at having a concern and reaches out to you, find the time for them.
Ideally, you’ll stop what you are doing and talk to them now.
Especially if you are in the power position (their boss, their bosses boss, their parent).
If you can’t meet with them now, convey that you will make time as soon as possible and then actually do that – make the time.
Step 1 - Understand the other person’s point of view
In a word - Listen.
Now is the time to set your point of view aside. Listen deeply to the other person.
When they say something you don’t agree with set that aside. See the world from their perspective, as if what they are saying is 100% true. Because from where they sit, it is the truth.
This is easier said than done. Why? because:
They don’t know what you know!
They haven’t sat in your chair.
You understand things they cannot understand.
You’ll want to defend.
You’ll have an agenda.
You’ll want to educate them.
You’ll want to argue with them.
Don’t do any of these things.
Know that for this step, your only job is to fully get them. Hold space for them, and listen with all your attention.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indisdinguishable”
You can and should ask questions during this step to clarify and deepen your understanding:
WHAT is the issue?
WHY is this important?
WHAT is the impact of this issue?
WHAT outcome do you want?
HOW do you think we should address this issue?
WHY do you think we should address the issue this way?
WHAT else have you considered?
IMPORTANT: You’ll have time to share your point of view, your wisdom, your knowledge, and your experiences later (in step 3). Wait for that time. For now, stay in their world.
Step 2 - Restatement and Clarification
Here, you’ll let the other person know that you’ve heard them. You’ll do this by summarizing what you’ve heard and asking any additional clarifying questions.
You can use this simple outline to guide you:
Here’s what I heard you say:
WHAT the issue is
WHAT outcome you want
HOW you want to address the issue
WHY you have chosen this approach
Did I hear you right?
You may need to go through this a few times before you get a ‘yes’ answer to the “Did I hear you right?” question.
Don’t move to Step 3 until you get a yes.
5 step process for how to have a collaborative conversation as a leader
Step 3 - Share your point of view
Finally! You are here. Now’s the time for YOU to share!
But hold on… I realize I must sound like a broken record, but I need to give you another warning: Don’t go here until you complete Steps 1 and 2. This is crucially important.
In practice, you may find yourself bouncing between steps 1 and 2 and not having the process go completely sequential. That is fine.
But don’t start step 3 until you’ve completed steps 1 and 2.
Of course, the world won’t end if you try to interject your own point of view while also listening to the other person’s point of view. But it will make this process a lot more difficult and less effective. So try your best to not start this step until you get a yes to the “Did I hear you right?” question at the end of Step 2.
Another caution is to not be too anxious to get here while you are still in Steps 1 and 2. Your interlocutor will feel that.
You can start out this step by saying something like “Here’s how I see the situation”.
“It isn’t that you are right and they are wrong, but that you have a different point of view”
You are looking at the problem from a different point of view. From a different angle.
You do have information they don’t have. You have other things to consider that they likely don’t share.
Now is the time to share this information with them so they can perhaps see more of what you see.
This might change their opinion on what they think should be done and it may not. Either way is fine, as your goal in this step is not to try to change their mind.
Sharing with the other person your point of view starts to help them feel that they are truly included. That you are willing to trust them. This may feel vulnerable.
Important nuance: The energy you carry here is also important. If your words say “This is just my point of view”, but your energy communicates “I’m right and you are wrong”, your interlocutor will sense it.
Step 4 - Clarification of Decision Rights
In this step, it is up to you and your interlocutor to clarify who gets to make a decision about what to do about the issue.
There are 3 possibilities here:
Your interlocutor has decision rights
You have decision rights
Decision rights are unclear.
If you have clear roles and responsibilities this is likely a short step, but it is good to call it out. You can do this organically as it makes sense for your specific scenario. For example: “Joe, since you are the manager of this team, it is your decision”. Or, “Joe, I value your input. This will help me make a better decision”.
If decision rights are unclear, you may need to take a little time at this step and be willing to discuss a different issue (you can actually use this same process to solve the “decision rights are unclear” issue).
Step 5 - Contract
This step answers the question “What is going to happen now?”.
If you have decision rights say something like:
“Here’s what I’m going to do with what you’ve told me…”
You may or may not be prepared to make a decision today, but if not, it can be a great idea to commit to the other person when you will make a decision. Committing (and then living from the commitment builds trust). If you have decision rights, you’ll want to follow up with the other person when you have made a decision, or taken some other next action.
If they have decision rights:
ask them “Are you comfortable owning the solution to this?”. You can offer to support them as needed, but let them know that it is their call.
Challenges with following this process (or any other leadership ‘process’)
This process is one of the few things in leadership that I can see as a valid recipe to be followed. However, it is more like a recipe for soup than for baking scones.
The ingredients– specific words you say, how you say the words, when you say the words, and the energy that you bring– will be added, or taken away as you see fit for the situation.
Here are some common challenges with following this process:
Not staying with your interlocutor's point of view long enough.
Rushing to get through steps 1 and 2.
Believing that you listening in steps 1 and 2 part will be seen as agreeing.
Thinking that one PoV is right and another is wrong.
Thinking that the decision has to be the ‘right’ one.
Final words
There are lots of opportunities here for learning and growing your leadership and other people’s leadership as you start to work with a process like this.
I suggest working with a leadership coach and soliciting feedback from your team as ways to get feedback as you start to practice this or other leadership recipes.
Discover your leadership archetype.
I’ve created a leadership quiz to help you determine your leadership archetype. Your archetype will reveal many of your strengths, and point to qualities and skills you may need to develop in order to become a better leader.