Vulnerability at work: HOW you do it can make or break your leadership
Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
With great power comes great responsibility. Vulnerability is POWERFUL. It is also DANGEROUS if not used with care, especially in the workplace.
About ten years ago, I was leading a million-dollar consulting project for a Fortune 100 company and our team was struggling. In one team meeting, I blurted out "I feel like this project is going to fail and I don’t know what to do about it."
I didn't plan to do this, but I was being vulnerable, right? I had heard that showing vulnerability as a leader would help my team see me as human, build trust, and bring us all together into action.
Well, it didn’t work out quite that well.
The team did see me as more human, and some of them stepped up and offered more help.
But my words caused a key team member to doubt my leadership capabilities, and though the project turned out okay in the end, I was not asked to lead another project with this firm.
What is vulnerability?
The dictionary defines vulnerability as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
Therefore, the choice to be vulnerable is to open yourself to the possibility of being harmed physically or emotionally.
So why do this?
Brené Brown answers this question for us with her years of research and storytelling. To summarize my understanding of her work:
Humans need human connection to thrive. We feel connected when we feel seen. The more (or deeper) one allows oneself to be seen, the more connection one may experience. Being seen entails being vulnerable.
In short, deep connection requires vulnerability. You cannot have genuine human connection without vulnerability.
Do we need authentic, human connection in the workplace?
In my experience, we do. When we experience connection, we are more fulfilled, engaged and productive.
And the data agrees.
Connection is key to a happy life (and work-life).
A 2021 study of over 4000 employees across 11 countries and industries found:
Employees with very high senses of belonging (95%) and engagement (92%) are significantly more likely to feel heard than those with a very low sense of belonging (25%) or engagement (30%). This has a remarkable impact on the bottom line: Organizations are much more likely to perform well financially (88%) when their employees feel heard and engaged, and have a sense of belonging. (Note: Being “heard” and being “seen” are synonymous in this context).
In my experience managing dozens of teams, I discovered that people were more engaged and productive when they felt connected to me as a person. This connection arose from my caring about them and listening to them – though not so much from me sharing vulnerable details about my own life.
To feel deeply connected, we need to allow ourselves to be seen.
The above statement is axiomatic.
And yet, in my experience (at work), and according to the data cited above, it is apparently far more important that the other person feels heard (and seen) to inspire a feeling of belonging in an organization.
Wow, my head is spinning! Which is it? As leaders, do we need to expose more tender parts of ourselves? Or, generally speaking, are we better served by simply caring about our team members and deeply listening to them, so they will feel seen?
The answer is that vulnerability is effective in both directions. Both self-exposure and caring for others can be connective and bonding and ultimately helpful. However, as a priority, leaders should start by listening to the people on their team.
Think about your experience and the advice you’ve likely heard about creating connections with new people at a party or networking event. You are more likely to form a connection with someone if you ask them about themselves. If you start talking about yourself first, you’ll probably bore the other person. But if you ask about them about themselves, and then truly listen, they will feel heard and the connection can grow. (Then they might ask you about yourself, and the relationship can be reciprocal.)
But how much will this stranger share with you? They likely won’t share about the fight they had with their spouse last night. They won’t tell you their deepest secrets. And that is just as well. They have a boundary. It feels comfortable for me to tell you about what excites me in my work, but it is not so natural for me to tell you about my deepest fears in life. We just met!
The relationship between boundaries and vulnerability
Brené Brown says that vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability.
When I hear the word “boundary” I see a stern schoolteacher, telling me what I can and cannot do. I also hear that people need to “set” their boundaries. Both of these images feel very hard, fixed, and controlling to me. I like to think of boundaries as something that we discover and develop as we relate to other people. Boundaries within a relationship evolve over time. When trust grows between people, boundaries can change. More things become acceptable to share as trust increases.
Boundaries are worth keeping in mind when weighing whether to communicate something vulnerable with your team. Sharing a bit of your heart and humanness can be done within the confines of clear, healthy, self-respecting boundaries.
So in general, do leaders need to be more vulnerable?
I have concluded that the simple answer is NO, but the answer isn’t simple.
What leaders DO need to do is communicate authentically. This is actually what employees want. They want to be able to trust their leader, and they can sense when leaders are being inauthentic.
So, the goal then becomes: building trust via authentic communication.
The ability to communicate with another person authentically will increase as trust deepens.
Also, sharing from a place of authenticity builds trust.
So in a way, authenticity and trust are like a chicken and egg. Each builds on the other.
And as a leader, you should understand that you don’t have to make yourself unsafe by sharing authentically. Authenticity does not necessarily require intimacy.
The Vulnerability and Trust Curve
As trust deepens between two people more, more authentic communication will naturally unfold. And so vulnerability decreases. It becomes safer to share. At the beginning of a relationship, when trust is low, it can be quite dangerous to overshare.
Therefore, the goal shouldn't be to share more vulnerably; the goal should be to build trust.
How do we choose what to authentically share, in order to build trust?
The power of sharing something in the workplace that could be considered vulnerable is the power of connection. People connect to humans, not robots or the idea of a perfect leader. People follow leaders who are decisive, optimistic, and confident – and who also are human.
I like the concept of the three gates. Before you share something, run it through these three gates (or questions):
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
Going back to my project leader story, I could have shared that I needed help, and that I didn’t have all the answers. And I could have done that without saying, “I have no idea what to do,” which was vulnerable and true, but probably something of an overshare in that situation, at that moment. Instead, I could have suggested ideas, posed specific questions, and asked people what they thought. Doing this would have been more helpful, and kind.
A word about diversity and psychological safety
If you are a 45-year-old white male CEO, realize that it can be a lot easier for you to share personal information than it will be for your 25-year-old, female BIPOC team member who likely has a much lower tolerance for authentic communication in the workplace than you do, for the simple reason that she may feel a lot more vulnerable than you in that situation. This is a stark example, but know that differences in your background and identity are potentially additive to the feeling of vulnerability (or lack of safety) that a person can feel, as compared to you, the leader. You being the CEO in and of itself is already a big power differential. Awareness, sensitivity, compassion, and an open dialog around privilege and power differences are all good steps to building safety and trust.
Below are 9 ideas that a leader could put into practice to foster authentic communication and build trust, while maintaining boundaries appropriate to a work relationship.
If you decide to implement any of these ideas, check in with yourself that you are being authentic. Doing anything for the sake of appearing to be vulnerable is likely to backfire!
"They call it being authentic for a reason. You can't fake it."
Listen more than you talk in your next staff meeting.
Before making a decision, ask your team what they think. Seriously consider their input. If you decide to go a different direction, tell them why and also acknowledge that you may not be right and that you are willing to reassess the decision at a future point in time.
Take someone to coffee and ask them about their aspirations.
Share something with your team about your own aspirations, specifically the areas in which you would like to grow as a leader. Ask them to support you by providing YOU with feedback and reflections.
When you are unsure if a decision is going to be “right,” frame it as an experiment. This has the extra benefit of modeling to your team that failure is okay; it happens. “He who never makes a mistake never makes anything.”
If you have personal issues at home, or other challenges that are distracting you from work, let your team know that you need a little support and what that support might look like. (You don’t have to share all the details, but you could share how the situation might have an impact on your work).
Tell a team member about a positive impact they had on you. If they did or said something that touched your heart, share that.
Ask a team member to give you feedback on how you are doing as a leader. This is very vulnerable for most leaders but could be one of the best ways to show you are open to their opinion. (If you do this, it is best not to get defensive if you don’t agree with them).
Practice being genuine with yourself. What are you feeling at this moment? Is there something here worth sharing, or would it be an unnecessary overshare?
Bottom line: Go forth, be human, build trust, and create amazing things with your team.
Please let me know what you think. I always love hearing from my readers.
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